OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
