totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
