Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
