he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
