The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
