my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
