Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
