I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
