Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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