It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
