if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
