Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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