I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
