I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
