So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
They took my balls.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
