D3 body, D1 cock
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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