He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Randomize
