Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
