The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
