he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
