on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
