I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
