Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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