im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
