I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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