I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
