I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
