Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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