As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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