He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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