I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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