My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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