Your mouth is God's brothel.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My vagina is officially offended.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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