How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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