i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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