I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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