I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Randomize
