yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have demons in me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
