also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
