she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
