The maid of honor just puked.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
