i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
