someone threw a dead crab at me
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
