i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
