Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
