Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just google imaged poop.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
