Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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