I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
