I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
