He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
