My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
