I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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